[shared with permission]
‘I feel like my old self is dying. Is that normal?
I think it’s because I believe deeply in the word of God, everything in the Bible.
It would have been much easier to join a church that doesn’t follow the whole Bible, that is all about Love once you have accepted Jesus and that all is well after that.
That would have been easier for those around me and my friends and also for me.
But I can’t do that, it goes against a deep knowing. I felt that already when in the beginning of my faith I wanted to believe that homosexuality was not a sin, but the Bible is very clear about that so I could not put that aside no matter how nicely people twisted it.
In the process <of getting right with God> my homosexuality was taken away and I came to the realization that it was never who I was. That it had to do with my brokenness and things that happened in the past.
In short: I can’t help but join what I used to see as a strict orthodox church but is now the only right thing to do.
And that requires something from me, going from an old life to a totally new one.
Without wanting to come across as dramatic, it feels like dying from an old body, an old soul, an old heart to something totally new. It’s terrifying.
Over the past few weeks the days have been a rollercoaster of emotions.
Yesterday a day full of gratitude, being in the Lord, being happy.
Today feels like dying. Just want to lay in bed with the blankets, cry, cry but have pulled myself out.
So far for now. Much love.’